When Awareness Becomes Compulsive
Why self-monitoring backfires and what to do instead
Welcome to issue #001 of The OCD Guide. Each week, I'll send a "field note" to encourage those who are impacted by OCD and those who walk alongside them. To receive next week's note, consider subscribing below.
Just check in with your mind for a moment...
Are you thinking of a pink elephant right now?
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What about now? Any pink elephant?
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Maybe check again... any pink elephant?
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Are you sure?
Is there maybe a vague mental picture, a sense, a reminder?
Or just a vapour of the pink elephant?
Probably. Because monitoring for a thought or feeling can produce it.
This is how brains work.
"The moment I wake up, I'm checking how I feel..."
"As soon as I'm in that situation, I'm monitoring for the thought..."
I hear statements like these almost every day.
They represent a very human drive to improve on yesterday. To grow and recover.
We're hard-wired to monitor for threats. Even if the threat comes from within.
But excessively monitoring internal experiences can be a type of compulsive checking.
And compulsive checking backfires.
It produces the same thoughts, or feelings, or vague sensations that you’re trying not to have.
This feels like failure. It’s discouraging.
What’s worse: it can feed an obsessional doubt about recovery from OCD. "What if I can't get better?" or "What if my OCD ruins today?"
Leaves on a stream (for OCD)
The solution, like any compulsion, is to stop the compulsion. But that's much easier said than done with something so automatic as attention. Also, "stop thinking about it" doesn't work.
Here's a different way to think about it…
Let's start with a common metaphor: leaves on a stream. Thoughts are like leaves on a stream. The stream flows constantly, with a range of different leaves.
OCD might say that there's a particular type of leaf (the thoughts you don't want) that should never flow down that thought stream.
Excessive self-monitoring is like jumping into the stream and actively looking for that particular leaf to stop it flowing past. The very act of looking for it produces it. And trying to stop the stream makes it feel more intense.
The problem isn't jumping into the stream.
The problem is jumping in automatically. And it’s is going after the wrong thoughts.
After all, there are some thoughts that we'd like to have. Thoughts that involve gratitude, or savouring something, or a real issue that's worth solving.
Checking for a particular thought or feeling means you ignore all the other thoughts that flow past at the same time.
To stop the compulsive monitoring, you need to get out of the stream for a moment and notice the wider range of thoughts that flow past.
The OCD thought will flow past, too.
But instead of automatically jumping in, ask "and what else is there?" or "what else would I be noticing if it weren't for that thought?"
Put even more simply, "okay, what's next?"
Practicing a new approach
If you excessively monitor your internal experience, try asking "okay, what's next?"
Keep asking this until a new thought flows down the stream. Then, keep on asking until there's something worth focusing on -- something that you want to value, or savour, or work on.
If you'd like to explore this concept further, try the following:
Watch Russ Harris' Sushi Train metaphor (2 mins), or listen to his guided "leaves on a stream" audio (13 mins).
To casually integrate this formal practice into your day, consider audio-guided mindfulness meditation that focuses on attention to the breath, like this one from Jon Kabat Zinn. If that style feels too woo for you, that's okay. There are plenty out there like this Aussie one. You might need to do some searching to find a voice that fits your vibe.
There's also a very deliberate exercise from metacognitive therapy, called the Attention Training Technique. It involves listening to several sounds at once and being guided to switch attention between them. See this playlist for an example.
Excessive-self monitoring is often a compulsion. Stopping is hard. It can help to develop flexible attention so that you can shift your focus to other things that matter more in that moment.
But it's a skill that takes practice. Be patient, persistent, and be compassionate with yourself
The above is educational and doesn't take into account your situation. If you need support or advice, please discuss this with a mental health professional.
Was it worth the read? Consider sharing it with someone who might benefit.
As someone with OCD I definitely relate to the propensity of my awareness spontaneously and intensely latching onto things in my external and internal environments, often with the lovely OCD flavor of, "Will this thing cause great harm to me?"
I've found the mindfulness-type strategies you mentioned so helpful, and your piece was a great reminder to practice those things. I love taking meditative walks in nature and identifying as many sights, sounds, scents, and body sensations I can, fully focusing on each one for a moment before moving onto the next. Thanks for your writing!
This is great! I’m glad I ran across this. Keep up the good work!